


You'll live (probably) - A 15-steps journey for a squeaky clean soul

by trinipedia



Category: Bulletproof Monk (2003), Supernatural
Genre: Christmas, Fanfiction, Gift Fic, M/M, Wincest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-01-01
Updated: 2009-01-01
Packaged: 2018-09-03 14:49:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8718055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trinipedia/pseuds/trinipedia
Summary: "Now that's done, let's talk. I can't save you."The sentence is like a punch in the face and Dean flinches. Why did they bother coming here then? Couldn't Monk have said that over the phone? They lost almost a day, and-"Let me finish, before you start planning my death. Damn boy, you're exactly like Kar. So fast at judging and too busy doing it that you miss the bigger picture."The man shakes his head, with an amused expression."As I was saying, I can't save you because you're the only one that can save yourself."





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written as a Secret Santa present for [](http://dramaphile.livejournal.com/profile)[dramaphile](http://dramaphile.livejournal.com/). Since I'm crazy like that, I decided to sign up for [](http://spn-j2-xmas.livejournal.com/profile)[spn_j2_xmas](http://spn-j2-xmas.livejournal.com/) and I received her as my giftee. I obviously had a gazillion of plotbunnies hopping around, but somehow this one enthralled me more. I just hope she likes it...
> 
> DISCLAIMERS: Fic inspired by the Italian song "Tu vivrai (you'll live)" by Pooh. Since I really thought it was too good for y'all not to get it, I decided to translate the lyrics. Now, don't ask me how I got from 'translating lyrics' to 'singing the song', because I don't know, but I did. So, you'll find the link to my 'performance' at the end of the fic. The *coughs* love scene *coughs* has been inspired by "Dancing" by Elisa. Link+lyrics at the end. And before you ask, yeah, I tried to sing this one as well, but, luckily for you, Windows Media Player fucked it up.

 

 

[ ](http://s39.photobucket.com/albums/e187/marty_rurulove/?action=view&current=youllliveprobablyheader.jpg)

_**FROM SAM'S JOURNAL**  
(-150 days)_

_Who would have thought? There really is a hoodoo priest. Well, he's actually some kind of monk, but still, maybe he can lay some mojo on Dean and save him from this damn deal. We're going to see him now; it's not like we have any better options after all and time is ticking._

Dean blinks a couple of times.  
There must be an error in the address Bobby gave to them, no way a hoodoo priest lives in a... **movie theatre?**  
He knocks on the door anyway, they're there after all.  
For a few awkward seconds nothing moves, then they hear quick steps and muttered curses, short words and finally the door slams open.  
In front of them, still panting, there's a guy.  
He must be Dean's age, more or less, and he looks scruffy and rough around the edges, exactly like Dean. Later that same day, Sam is going to tell Dean that for a second he thought the guy was some relative of theirs, the resemblance was striking.  
Besides, the guy's good looking. Really good looking.  
Short blond hair, clear eyes, a couple of days worth of stubble and a blinding smile.  
"Hi guys, sorry about that. Come on in!" He stands back to let them inside and only when they see him zipping his pants up they take in the full extent of the guy's disheveled appearance.  
"Did we...interrupt something?" Dean asks, sneering. He expects the guy to blush or deny it, but he definitely doesn't expect the guy to nod and say "Actually, you did, but we have all the time in the world to do it and this is important, so, no worries. Besides, you won't be staying long. Will you?" The question has a hard edge, so Sam feels compelled to answer.  
"No, we just hope that the Monk can help us with a problem we're having." He shifts uncomfortably, not wanting to explain about Dean's situation to the guy.  
But he nods knowingly.  
"Demon deal. I know."  
Before Sam can ask how the hell he knows and who the hell he is, the guy turns towards the stairs and shouts "Monk! Your 11.30 are here!"  
Facing them again, the guy smiles and says: "well, I'd better go. We have a movie starting in an hour and I still haven't set up. Been...busy." he winks at Dean.  
"Oh, by the way: I'm Kar" he adds, extending his hand, and when Dean shakes it, some kind of unknown foreign calm runs through him. He blinks and looks at Kar, questioningly, but he simply shrugs and bounces towards the projection room.  
The boys are still looking in that direction when a voice startles them.  
"I apologize for his behavior. The guy's quite a charmer."  
Sam turns and is faced with a guy that's, like, half the size of him and yet still manages to instantly generate respect. He's wearing a long brown leather coat, a black sweater and dark pants. All in all, he looks pretty normal, if it wasn't for his gaze, deep and intense, that seems to inspect Sam's soul for a moment.  
"Only Dean can come in. You'll have to wait outside."  
Sam opens his mouth to speak, but the man simply lifts a hand and Sam can't do anything but nod and walk out. He knows that Dean won't be surprised: there's something in that place, in those persons, that forces them to simply obey without questioning.  
Not even their dad had so much power over them.

*****

Dean follows the man into a backroom and his eyes go wide in shock.  
The room is painted in red, with golden drawings on the wall. A strong but not unpleasant smell fills the air and the distant sound of water and silver bells can be heard.  
He has the sensation that the only feeling he's allowed to carry over the threshold is peace. And faith.  
He's all but peaceful and faithful at the moment, though, so his back stiffens when he enters and sits awkwardly on one of the pillows.  
"First things first, Dean: drink this."  
Dean glares at the black cup on the low table in front of him, but then thinks _what the hell._  
He drinks it all, the spicy taste surprisingly good.  
"Now that's done, let's talk. I can't save you."  
The sentence is like a punch in the face and Dean flinches. Why did they bother coming here then? Couldn't Monk have said that over the phone? They've lost almost a day, and-  
"Let me finish, before you start planning my death. Damn, boy, you're exactly like Kar. So fast at judging and too busy doing it that you miss the bigger picture."  
The man shakes his head with an amused expression.  
"As I was saying, I can't save you, because you're the only one who can save yourself."  
Dean snorts, clearly not impressed and the man sighs.  
"Ok, then. Let's try it differently. Tell me: why hot dogs come in packages of ten and hot dog buns come in packages of eight?"  
Dean blinks and needs a few seconds to process the question. It's a weird one but sounds familiar.  
"Wait. I've heard this before! It was in some kind of stupid, crappy action movie! The answer was something like _life doesn't always work out according to plan so be happy with what you've got, because you can always get a hot dog_ , right?"  
The man looks surprised, then he sighs again.  
"Yeah, that would be me. Some director thought a movie about my life would be a funny idea."  
Dean sneers.  
"I acknowledge your pain. We have a TV series."  
The man smiles sadly but almost immediately his smile gets a little sly.  
"They did let some important stuff out, though."  
Dean tries to recall the movie plot, and his eyes widen.  
"Kar?"  
The man nods.  
"They decided a girl was going to be more suitable as a partner for him, in the movie. And we didn't really care about it, at least we didn't get too much attention on us."  
Dean starts to feel a little more comfortable, the man seems to sense it and lets him ask some more.  
"Everything else is correct, though? You're an immortal monk with superpowers that protects an ancient document that could destroy the world?"  
The man chuckles.  
"I wouldn't put it in such dramatic terms, but yeah, more or less that's it."  
"And you share immortality and powers with Kar?"  
The man's eyes soften.  
"I share my life with him. Everything I have, is his. However, this is the last kind of life I'd have wanted for him: the risks, the loneliness, seeing the ones he loves die one by one, without being able to stop it." He looks straight into Dean's eyes.  
"I'm sure you can relate."  
Dean swallows. He surely can.  
"Still," the man goes on, "He wanted it. He said that if I could do it, he would too. He wanted to share the happiness as much as the pain with me, and even if many people would tell you he's my weakness, I can tell you he's my strength as well."  
The man smiles, standing up and patting Dean's knee lightly.  
"That's why I accepted your request for help. You remind me of him, when I first met him. Stubborn, proud, with great potential but no interest in developing it or knowledge to do so."  
Dean mutters something that sounds like _I'm totally not like that_ , but the man ignores him.  
"Basically, Dean, you're a dick."  
Dean's head snaps up. "What the hell?"  
"Don't get me wrong, is not necessarily a bad thing. Water which is too pure has no fish."  
Dean doesn't understand how that's supposed to make him feel better.  
"Listen to me. You're bound to go to hell in less than a year. Why?"  
"Because I made a deal. I gave away my soul. But you're supposed to know that already, didn't Bobby tell you-"  
The man lifts a hand and once again his movement obtains instant silence.  
"I know it all, Dean. What I need to know, what I want you to tell me, is _why?_ "  
Dean could protest, he could avoid the topic, but something tells him that it would be pointless. He needs this man's help and if opening up is the only way to get it, he won't back out.  
"Because he's my brother and I simply couldn't let him die. Not if I could help it."  
The man looks satisfied with Dean's answer but still he shakes his head.  
"You think your soul is worth less than Sam's."  
Dean opens and closes his mouth, not able to get an answer out but the man's not expecting any: is not a question, is a simple statement.  
He never thought about it, not knowingly, but yeah.  
He does.  
"Let me ask you something else then. You sold your soul to bring your brother back from the dead because you couldn't forgive yourself for losing your father and you couldn't tolerate the idea of losing not one but two members of your family to demons. Is that right?"  
Dean nods, not understanding what point the man is trying to prove.  
"So, don't you think that a selfless act like that should be the one to free you from the possibility of going to Hell, instead of sending you there?"  
He winces a little, at the world _selfless_ , knowing that's only half true, since he made the deal because he couldn't bear life without Sam, then the rest of the man's words settle in and his eyes widen.  
"Wait a minute. Do you mean-"  
"I mean exactly what I said, Dean." The man says, smiling. "What you did is not supposed to send you to Hell. However..."  
Ouch.  
"However?" Dean asks, feeling the little sparkle of hope die in his chest.  
"However, your life has not been...virtuous."  
Dean has the decency to look a little ashamed.  
"But maybe we still have time to change that." The man adds, walking to his desk and taking out a piece of paper. He arches an eyebrow when he looks at it, and shakes his head while giving it to Dean.  
"I'm sorry for the added notes. Those were written by Kar. Please don't pay any attention to them."  
Dean nods distractedly before focusing on the paper in his hands.  
It looks like some kind of list.

_**A 16-steps journey for a squeaky clean soul** _

_01) Be easygoing even though you're a winner.  
02) Show faith in people, but stop believing in Santa.  
03) Stop blaming others for your own mistakes. **YEAH, GIVE YOUR POOR BROTHER A BREAK!**  
04) Learn when to say 'sorry' but keep being strong.  
05) Follow the speed limits and still save the day.  
06) Get peace back in place between persons that are fighting with each other.  
07) Truly enjoy a good night's sleep after a job well done.  
08) Embrace your inner kid **AND, FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T TAKE YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY!**  
09) Wake up early after getting wasted the night before. **WITHOUT BEING CRANKY.**  
10) Keep being honest in a tricky situation. **OR AT LEAST TRY...**  
11) Obtain what you need without taking advantage of your good looks/charisma/whatever.  
12) Cry without feeling ashamed for it.  
13) Enjoy learning something new.  
14) Don't despise what you can't have.  
15) Stand up after falling. **METAPHORICALLY, YOU DOUCHE.**  
16) Get out of your heart someone who's holding you back._

Dean blinks and his eyes go from the page to the monk in front of him a couple of times.  
"But I already spent my whole life doing this! Between Dad and Sam!" he says, pointing at the list.  
The man scratches his chin with a thoughtful expression.  
"Uh, right. Sorry for that."  
He traces a black line on line 6.  
"15 steps."  
Dean blinks.  
"Like Alcoholics Anonymous?" he says, with an horrified expression.  
The man glares at him.  
"You're a dick, Dean. What makes you think you're in any way better than someone that has enough willpower to fight against a life consuming addiction?"  
Dean looks at his shoes, almost embarrassed.  
"I didn't mean-"  
"You did mean and I know it, but it's okay. Your attitude is an addiction too and don't think this is gonna be easy. You won't have to TRY, you'll have to succeed, in order for the plan to work and for the marks to vanish."  
Dean's eyes snap back up.  
"Wait, what? Marks?!"  
The man nods again and forcefully turns him so his back is facing a mirror, then he lowers Dean's pants and underwear.  
"Hey!!" Dean squeaks, trying to break free but the man keeps him still (how damn strong is this monk, anyway?) and points at something on Dean's lower back.  
Just where his left butt cheek starts, there are 15 little asterisks. They could have been moles, if Dean didn't know his body well enough to be sure that they weren't there when he showered this morning: he turns abruptly to face the man, but he senses Dean's question and shrugs before the hunter can manage to get the words out of his mouth.  
"Be a centennial man is not without its perks. You learn all kind of things. And spells."  
He bumps slightly against Dean's shoulder, to make him focus his attention back on the mirror and his asterisks.  
"Every time you change one of your wrong behaviors, the correspondent asterisk will disappear. For this to work, when you'll meet the crossroads demon, they must be all gone, or the whole process would be useless."  
Dean nods, feeling like he has just jumped straight from the frying pan into the fire.

*****

_The man's a crazy fucker. He didn't let me stay. I'm in the Impala, nervous as hell, waiting for Dean to come out and tell me what are we going to do. I feel so lost, and I don't know what-_

A loud knock on the window makes Sam's eyes snap up and he sees Kar standing outside, motioning with a hand at the passenger seat. Sam nods and the guy slides in next to him.  
"So, demon deal..." Kar starts, looking appreciatively at the interior of the car while talking. "To save your life."  
Sam expects him to say what everyone else has hinted. That he should have been feeling happy, loved, cherished, and he's ready to tell Kar to go fuck himself, but what Kar does say is, "You must be feeling like royal shit right now?"  
"W-what?" Sam stutters.  
"I mean, he's going to Hell, to suffer for eternity and all just to get you back. Man, it makes you wonder if your soul is really worth more than his, and the simple fact he sold his in exchange for your life is prove enough that it's not. So, it's basically your fault if he dies and maybe you didn't even deserve to be saved in the first place. That must suck."  
Sam blinks.  
"Who the fuck are you?" he manages to ask, after a few seconds of silence.  
Kar smiles widely and winks at him, shrugging.  
"Just an asshole like your brother that was lucky enough to find someone who pushed him in the right direction and has kept on pushing him ever since."  
Sam's eyes soften a little, when he sees the warm light in Kar's gaze.  
"Dean's not an asshole. He has great potential, is just too stubborn and proud to ask for help to develop it."  
Kar nods, satisfied.  
"That's how I was when I met Monk the first time."  
Sam mutters something that sounds like _'you didn't change much, then'_ but the guy ignores him.  
"Gotta bolt" Kar says, yawning. "I think your brother and Monk are probably done, so you better hit the road as soon as he comes out from the theatre if you want to have enough time to deal with all of it. I'll see you in 5 months, ok?" and before Sam can ask what he's talking about, what are they suppose to deal with and what does he mean saying they'll meet again in 5 months, that's exactly the time they have left before Dean's deal comes due, Kar is out of the Impala and opening the theatre's door, just as Dean comes out of it.  
The guys look at each other for a split second, then in their eyes there's a sparkle of understanding and they clasp their hands before patting each other's shoulder and part.  
Sam feels like he just witnessed an important moment, but he can't understand why.  
"Let's go, Sammy" Dean says, as soon as he's in the car and Sam doesn't ask about the meeting, or about the fact that Dean's riding shotgun without complaining.  
He steps on the gas and leaves, knowing Dean will talk to him when the right moment comes.

*****

"...so, let me see if I understood this correctly. We are going to clean your soul, that's already got some bonus point for your selfless act, so that when the demon tries to collect it, she won't be able to touch it because it will be too pure to go to Hell?"  
Dean's face is flushed but he nods nonetheless.  
Sam knows his voice is high-pitched, but he doesn't care.  
Everything's too ridiculous, and how is he supposed to believe it, anyway?  
"And you're supposed to clean your soul... _crying?_ "  
Dean snatches the list back from Sam's hands.  
"Oh, shut up, bitch."  
"Jerk. Why do you even believe this crap?"  
Dean shrugs.  
"I just know, Sam. That Monk knew what he was talking about. You haven't held his hand. You haven't feel this...this... _power._ Strength and peace, and-I can't explain it. I just know. Will you help me?"  
Sam rolls his eyes.  
"That goes without saying."  
Dean smiles, relieved.  
"Let's make one thing clear though." Sam adds, smirking to himself.  
"I won't be checking your ass."  
Dean snorts.  
"Like I'd let you, you perv."  
Sam flinches at his brother's words, but tries to hide it the best he can.  
He turns off the light and slides under his covers, his back to Dean, thinking about his plan.  
He wanted to tell Dean.  
He planned it carefully; there are exactly five months left and he isn't ready to let Dean go, not that he thinks he's ever going to be, but he simply can't tolerate the idea of Dean dying without knowing how much Sam loves him.  
How much Sam is _in love_ with him. He wanted to come clean, he was psychologically ready for any outcome; besides, he is almost sure his brother's feelings for him aren't all that platonic either, so he was expecting a pretty good ending to his confession.  
What he wasn't expecting was that the only way to save Dean was keeping his soul pure.  
And even if their life is fucked up, and normal isn't an actual word in the Winchesters' vocabulary, there is simply no way incest is going to be condoned. There is no way Dean is going to make it if Sam tarnishes his soul with a sin that big.  
So he swallows his words and closes his eyes, willing the tears back.  
His love has damned Dean once, he is not going to let it happen again. Better being Dean's hurt brother then being Dean's hurt widower.

*****

_Be easygoing even though you're a winner._

With this last shot, he's going to win the game.  
The money will be his and Sam and him will be able to fill the tank of the Impala and maybe have a decent dinner, thanks to that money.  
He's about to make some cocky remark, but Sam's narrowed eyes stop him cold.  
**Be easygoing even though you're a winner** he mouths at him.  
Dean sighs, and gets ready to try winning without making a big deal of it. It's gonna be pretty damn hard.

*****

_Show faith in people, but stop believing in Santa._

"No! That guy looks suspicious!"  
"Dean, remember: **show faith in people**! This is the best opportunity to do it. Come on, let's go with him."  
"Ok, ok, let me go take a leak first."  
\---  
"It worked, right? You checked. One less spot to worry about, am I right?"  
"If the guy kills us, is not like it will actually matter..."  
"Uh. You do have a point."  
"And **that's** how I prove I'm rational and mature. I'm so winning this game."  
"Dean, is not a game. We're trying to save your **life.** "  
"Whatever."

*****

 _Stop blaming the others for your own mistakes._  
_Learn when to say 'sorry' but keep being strong._

"Damnit, Sam, you should have...!"  
Dean looks at his brother's arched eyebrow and sighs.  
"Ok, maybe **I** should have checked the donuts' filling before buying them."  
Sam nods, satisfied, and Dean feels the familiar itch at the base of his spine. Since he started already, better finish it.  
"And I'm sorry, I know I've been quite a pain in the ass during the last few weeks-"  
"Juts the last few weeks?" Sam can't stop himself from asking.  
Dean glares at him.  
"I'm still the hottest one, bitch."  
Sam shrugs.  
"You're still the dumbest one as well, jerk."  
Score!

*****

 _Wake up early after getting wasted the night before._  
_Follow the speed limits and still save the day._

"Let's go out tonight, so we can stay up late and then you can wake up early. This way, we'll have more time to cover the same distance **and** you'll be able to respect the speed limits! Two birds with a stone!"  
"Yippee-kay-ay, Sammy."

*****

_Truly enjoy a good night sleep after a job well done._

"You know..." Dean says, yawning. "I never truly realized how great of an invention the bed is. Don't get me wrong, it was totally worth it, we got the sonofabitch, but...I mean, sleeping in a real bed after a week in sleeping bags? Priceless."  
Sam smiles at his brother's body surrounded by fluffy pillows and lets himself fall asleep too, thanking whatever entity brought them there.

*****

_Embrace your inner kid._

"I miss mom." Dean mutters, sentence stopped by a couple of hiccups. He's so drunk.  
"When we were kids I used to sing you to sleep, Sammy." He adds, blinking. "But I hated it. What I really wanted was for Dad to sing to ME, damnit. I was a kid, too!"  
He wants to scream, he wants to punch something or someone and most of all he wants to cry. But if he cries now, he would totally be ashamed of it and that sort of defeats the purpose of doing it in the first place.  
So he won't.  
He's so glad Sam doesn't remember a thing, the morning after.

*****

_Keep being honest in a tricky situation._

Sam stares at Dean with a disapproving look.  
"What?!"  
"You **stole** his keys."  
"So? You stole them from that old man!"  
"But that was only to save you from being **killed!** "  
"Well, I'm saving this one from a deadly date with a succubus, so why is it any different?"  
"...because we're cruising the town in his Ferrari?"  
"Oh, geez, we don't even get paid for what we do! Aren't we allowed to have a little fun every now and then? It's not like I'm stealing the car! It'll be back in the parking lot before he even realizes it's missing."  
Sam mutters something that sounds like _hopefully this will count as **almost** honest, at least_ and sighs.

*****

_Obtain what you need without taking advantage of your good looks/charisma/whatever._

"I'll talk to the girl. You go talk to the landlord."  
"Why?! Why do you get all the fun?!"  
"She just lost her father, Dean, I don't expect it to be fun at all."  
"Still better than an old fart."  
"Maybe, but with the old fart none of your flirty, cocky tricks will work, and if you succeed in getting all the information we need out of him, you'll have fulfilled another of your steps."  
"Man, you're having a little too much fun with this."  
"Well, I like to get my kicks anywhere I can."

*****

_Cry without feeling ashamed for it._

"That was...disturbing."  
"What are you talking about?"  
"Seeing all those grown up men weeping like teenagers..."  
"Man, you cried too."  
"I know. I know. That's why I think there was some kind of curse on the movie theatre. Or on the movie itself. Or somewhere."  
"Or maybe that little robot that lived alone for centuries and kept being gentle, innocent and generous truly moved you and all the other people in the theatre."  
"...Dude. You're _so_ gay."  
"I'm not the one who cried."  
"Shut up."

*****

_Enjoy learning something new._

"Do you want to know which is the biggest fish in the world?"  
"Not really."  
"You have to learn something new!"  
"And I have to actually **enjoy** the learning part! I don't care about gigantic fishes!"  
"Maybe you will once you've heard this. The manta ray is more than 7.6 m across, with a weight of about 2,300 kg. It ranges throughout all tropical waters of the world, typically around coral reefs."  
"And this is interesting, because...?"  
"Think about how much sushi you could get from just one fish of this species."  
"Uh."

*****

_Don't despise what you can't have._

Dean looks at the waitress, who's smiling brightly at his brother.  
He feels a pain in his chest, a cold wave of anger rising up.  
Why him?! Is not like Sam is all that good looking after all. He's too tall, too skinny, too geeky, too...Sammy, for God's sake!  
Then he sees his brother's cheeks flush and his dimples appear even if only for a second, and then Dean remembers why he's sitting there instead of next to him.  
He remembers why he can't simply grab Sam's sleeve and pull him close. They're brothers. They can't feel the way Dean feels. It's unnatural, sick and twisted and totally dangerous in his precarious situation. He's trying to purify his body, his mind, his **soul** , so he can't keep wanting Sam the way he does.  
And the fact that he can't have him must not stop him from looking at him and knowing how many reasons there are to love Sam. He smiles regretfully, and doesn't realize that another asterisk is going to be gone next time he'll look at his reflection.

*****

_Stand up after falling._

"It's ok, Dean, it's ok. No big deal."  
Sam pats his left shoulder.  
"Wanna talk about it?"  
Dean sneers.  
"About what? About the fact that she brushed me off so fast my head's still spinning? Or about the fact that she liked you more?"  
Sam looks embarrassed.  
"I...uh..."  
Dean sighs.  
"Never mind. I'll recover."  
A gorgeous brunette walks by on the other sidewalk.  
"Actually, I think I've recovered already. Excuse me, miss!" he calls out, going after her.  
Sam's smile is sad and bitter, once again.  
_Luckily I'm not the one who has to change behaviors and suppress feelings. I'd probably prefer to die than fake it all like he does._

*****

_Get out of your heart someone who's holding you back._

Dean stares at his back, speechless.  
After his conversation with Cassie, after a few tears (hers) and a few harsh breaths (his) he was sure everything was done.  
That's why, as soon as the bathroom door was closed, he had removed his clothes to check on the asterisks.  
When he got ready to see her, that afternoon, there was just one of them left.  
A lonely, black asterisk reminding him that he still wasn't the man he was supposed to be.  
Well, now that one is gone.  
**And a new one, red as blood, stains his lower back.**  
What now?  
The monk didn't say anything about that.  
He was just supposed to follow the list, force himself to change until some parts of him would disappear completely, force himself to hide until he would eventually forget the feelings he was not supposed to have.  
Sadly, it looks like he didn't fake as well as he thought he was.  
His mind goes to Sam: this will break his heart.  
He has always felt guilty, like he was the one that put Dean's life at stake, even though Dean tried again and again to convince him otherwise.  
It had been his choice. A pretty selfish one, actually, since he is about to do to Sam what he dreaded would happen to him: he'll leave his brother alone.  
Dean sighs, closing his eyes and pushing his forehead against the cold tiles of the wall.  
When he opens them again, there's a certainty that wasn't there before. He knows what to do. He knows that Sam deserves better, and that he's basically signing up for eternal damnation, but he can't bring himself to care.  
It's about Sam, it has always been about him, in the end.

*****

_**FROM SAM'S JOURNAL**  
(-1 day)_

_This is the last day. The last chance. The last opportunity.  
Dean did it, all of the asterisks are gone but one.  
The last one.  
It makes sense that this is the last stop of his journey.  
We're in Dixie. Again. He's gone to talk to Cassie.  
I've been thinking about her since I first saw the list: Dean holds himself down, that's for sure, but she's the one who's been holding him back, all this time. I really don't know what's going to happen, I don't know if he's strong enough to say goodbye to her, hell, I don't even know if he **wants** to.  
Maybe he never stopped loving her. Or maybe...maybe the problem isn't her. Maybe it's someone else that's keeping Dean away from a normal life that he never realized he wanted. Maybe...maybe she's not the one that has to set him free. Maybe I am._

The hotel room door opens. Sam's eyes snap up and focus on Dean, a surprised expression on his face.  
"What the hell are you doing here?" he asks, hiding his journal under the mattress.  
"You're supposed to be at Cassie's, clearing things."  
Dean shrugs and walks up to him.  
"Yeah, well, I was there for a while and then I had an epiphany. I realized that this could have been my last night on Earth, and that I was supposed to be spending it with the ones I love."  
Sam's eyes cloud up a little. He can't help it but Dean bumps his shoulder to get his attention back, and only once he's sure he got it he goes on.  
"As dire chance and fateful cock-up would have it, here I am. I just turned 30, I may not live to see 31 and, without fully knowing it, I've spent most of my adult life with my noisy little brother."  
He snorts and Sam has to at least smile back.  
"And much as it grieves me to say it, it might be that the only one I love is in fact-you."  
Sam blinks, then blushes furiously. Surely Dean doesn't-he can't mean that, right?  
"I-I know you do, Dean. I love you too, you know that." He says, trying to stop his brain from interpreting the sentence the only way it's not supposed to.  
"No, no, listen to me!" Dean goes on, "I'm serious here. I left Cassie's house, where I could have had a warm body and a shot at a normal future, in order to hang out with you tonight."  
Sam isn't sure how he's supposed to answer that, but he tries nonetheless.  
"Well, Dean, I-"  
Dean sits on the bed next to Sam and smirks.  
"It's a terrible, terrible mistake, you bitch." He adds, almost hurrying the words out, "but you're the one who has turned out to be the fucking love of my life. And to be honest, despite all of my last minute complaining, we had a wonderful life and I wouldn't change it for the world. If I had another chance, I'd do everything exactly as I did the first time. Hunting things, saving you. I wouldn't change any of it."  
The brothers stay still, just looking at each other.  
Sam is afraid to speak, to break the fragile bubble Dean has just created with his words and wake up, alone.  
Dean looks like he has said everything he wants to and is now waiting for some kind of response. When none comes, he sighs.  
"I'm tired of telling myself that I'm doing the wrong thing." He adds, "I'm tired of hearing people saying that I have to change if I want to make it. But mostly, I'm tired of hiding what I know. Because I _do_ know, Sammy. I know how you feel about me. I know you've been hiding it all along, because you wanted to protect me, but you know what? That's it. I'm done with all this crap."  
Sam goes pale and tries to get as far from Dean as he can.  
"Dean, don't! You're almost done, you can keep your soul if you try hard enough! I can't let you spoil that, I won't. It's gonna be ok, I can leave and then-"  
"It didn't work."  
Dean's voice cracks something inside of Sam and he feels lost, confused. As always, his mouths opens and he babbles out.  
"What-what do you mean? Why would you say that? There was just one more step on the list! And only one asterisk left! How did it go wrong? What happened? I-"  
Dean stops him mid-sentence again when he stands up, reaches for his belt buckle and unzips his pants, shoving them down.  
Sam's mouth goes instantly dry. He has forbidden himself to look at Dean for so long, too much temptation, but now? What does he have to lose now? So, he looks at his brother's perfect back, turned towards him, and his brain takes a little longer than strictly necessary to get to his lower back and see it.  
He can't stop himself from getting closer to Dean, like he's pulled towards him; his fingers brush lightly against Dean's skin, touching the red mark, and Sam has to sit down.  
"All for nothing," he mutters "we did it all for nothing."  
Dean shakes his head again (how many times has he done it already?) and sits on the other bed, facing Sam.  
"Not for nothing, Sam. God, don't ever think that what you did was useless. It meant...everything, to me."  
And he means it. He has seen Sam. Felt him, all the time. His strength, his faith, his love. Sam gave him all he had and he never asked for anything in return. Well, maybe it's time Dean gave some of it back.  
While he talks, Dean starts unbuttoning his shirt, then lets it fall to the floor.  
Sam swallows noisily.  
"Dean, are-are you sure about this?"  
Dean gives him his best _well, duh_ expression, and extends an arm towards him, in invitation. Sam doesn't need anything else.

*****

Sam's hands cup Dean's face.  
"You don't have any idea how beautiful you are. People tell you all the time, but they don't _see_ you, not really. Not like I do."  
While bending to kiss him, Sam whispers, "I've been waiting all my life for this moment."  
Dean has been waiting, too. He's just sorry it took him so long to get it. Maybe he really isn't all that smart.  
There are tears in Sam's eyes, tears he won't shed, not now, maybe not ever, but still they don't hurt any less. He knows he should cherish the moment, make the most of it, but he can't forget Dean's deal, not even for them, not even for this. Life really is too fragile. His hands stop, and he looks into Dean's eyes, looking for...he doesn't know.  
Dean senses Sam's confusion, his doubts and questions, but he can't answer them, so he simply puts his arms around his little brother, pulling his body closer. He's leaving soon, they don't have all the time he wishes they had. He starts getting him undressed, and his fingers tremble a little when he undoes Sam's belt. His eyes don't waver, though.  
He would never step back, he wants Sam so much it hurts, but his eyes burn with unspoken love, lust, passion, desire, and Dean feels incredibly naked and exposed. He looks down, and tries to control himself: what he's feeling is wonderful, better than any dream he ever had, and he's scared that he could burst that perfect bubble with a sudden movement. Or his breath.  
Sam's naked body is perfect, while he moves against his and then suddenly in his. They sway like waves, and everything feels familiar and excitingly new at the same time.  
If it wasn't for Dean's broken words in his ear, or for the delicious friction of their bodies, Sam would think that time has stopped. He feels the rush of his orgasm approaching, and he doesn't fight it. He lets it wash over him, thrusting into Dean one last time and holding him with all his strength, hiding his face in the crook of Dean's neck, while he feels him shaking and growling his own release against his temple.  
After their hearts calm down and their heads clear a little, Sam's afraid to look at Dean. He's hoping with all he's got that he hasn't fuck it all up.  
"Tell me that I did no wrong," He finally says, his voice trembling.  
Dean chuckles.  
"You weren't _that_ bad" he jokes.  
Sam lays his head on Dean's shoulder and closes his eyes.  
Dean sighs and knows he's in for a sleepless night.  
He would have destroyed anyone who would have tried to harm his brother, and now he's the one that's going to hurt him the most.

*****

"Raise and shine, lovebirds!"  
The annoying voice somehow penetrates his sleeping haze and Dean opens an eye. He did fall asleep in the end. Then he realizes who the voice belongs to and freezes.  
"Kar?!" he exclaims, snapping upright.  
"Yeah, it's me." The boy confirms, cheerfully. "Come on, we don't wanna be late."  
"For what?" the question comes from a disturbingly cute sleepy Sam.  
"For the meeting with the demon." the monk answers, entering the room.  
The Winchesters boys are immediately more than awake. Almost automatically they get dressed, but even as they do so there's a feeling of defeat weighing over them.  
"I don't know how you found us." Dean says eventually "but there's no need for you both to be here. It didn't work. I'm going to Hell."  
He flinches at his own words and can feel Sam's body tensing up next to him.  
"Of course you are, baby."  
They all turned around abruptly and see her. The demon is sitting on a chair in the northern point of the room.  
"Let's do something." she offers "You come with me willingly and I'll spare you all the Hellhounds routine. What do you think? This way, no one has to watch your cute body while it's ripped apart."  
Sam is clenching his jaw and his fists, but his eyes are looking at him filled with despair.  
Dean is about to answer that he won't go willing anywhere and that she can shove all her gentleness up her skinny possessed ass, but the monk lifts a hand and talks instead.  
"We are not going to try anything" he says, slowly, like he's trying to calm down a wild beast. "You can take him."  
Sam's eyes widen and he's about to take his gun out and kill the damn bastard, when a telepathic message crosses his mind.  
_Relax, man, everything's under control. Just wait and see._  
The demon blinks a couple of times, surprised, then smiles wickedly and stands up.  
"Who would have thought that an immortal monk could be this...reasonable?" she says, almost giggling. "Very well, then."  
She gets in front of Dean, lifts a hand and grabs Dean's wrist.  
Only to drop it immediately, as though burned.  
"What?!" she shrieks. She tries again, grabbing his shoulder but this time actual smoke rising from her skin. She looks at her hand, narrowing her eyes.  
"What have you DONE?" she asks, her voice dangerously low.  
Dean shrugs, trying to hide his own surprise the best he can.  
"Drink some tea?" he offers.  
Kar snorts.  
The demon gets more pissed by the second.  
"Ok, if you want to play hard, let's play hard." She whistles and Dean can immediately hear loud growls coming from outside.  
They get closer and he can see the outline of the black, demonic dogs, so he tries to escape, but the monk's strong grip keeps him in place.  
"Trust me." He hisses, just before the Hellhounds break into the room.  
"Dean? Dean, what's going on?" Sam asks, his voice stained with panic.  
"Hellhounds." Dean answers, swallowing "they're here."  
Sam tries to get closer to Dean, but Kar stops him.  
"Focus," he says and as before, both brothers can't help obeying the orders that come from the strange pair.  
The dogs get even closer and Dean's expecting them to attack and start ripping his limbs, but they don't.  
What happens is that their growling gets weaker and weaker, until they're almost... _yelping?_  
The demon looks taken aback.  
"What's wrong with you?!" She shouts at them.  
Sam looks at her then at Dean and finally back at Kar, who's smiling like a lunatic.  
That's when the monk lets Dean go.  
"Show her your back, Dean," he says. Dean complies and the demon screams even louder.  
"Damn you, Winchester! Your soul is so white that I'm going to go blind if I stare at it for one more second! But don't worry" her expression gets sly, "sooner or later you'll come back to me, and when it happens...I won't be _this_ good to you."  
"He won't." Sam states, standing next to his brother. Kar set him free right after the monk spoke.  
"I'll make sure of it."  
The demon looks like she'd like to say something more, but the monk rattles his wooden necklace and she simply vanishes, together with her Hellhounds.  
Dean blinks.  
Sam blinks.  
They both turn towards the mirror and look at Dean's pale, unmarked back. His skin is _glowing._  
The monk claps his hands together.  
"That's done," he says, while Kar pats his shoulder.  
"But...I don't get it!" Dean exclaims, stunned. "It doesn't make any sense! How can I be pure? How can I be...after we..."  
"Life is not all black and white, man." Kar starts to answer, waving his hands in the air. "Especially not when Hell's involved."  
"Well, since it's all over, I may as well tell you." The monk says, with a knowing smirk.  
"You see, I'm always right, and the steps were, actually, 16."  
He gives a sheet of paper to Dean, gives them both a small nod and leaves the room, pushing Kar forward ahead of him with a hand on the small of his back.  
Sam looks questioningly at Dean, when he sees him reading the paper and blushing slightly, and then looks at it from over his shoulder.  
And understands everything.

**Give back all the love you've been given.**

"Not a word." Dean hisses. Sam wouldn't dream of it.

_**FROM SAM'S JOURNAL**  
(+1 day and counting)_

_The hoodoo priest IS a crazy fucker.  
Thank God for that._

FIN

Merry Christmas, babygirl! Hopefully you've enjoyed your present <3

These are the lyrics of the songs I used as a base for the fic.

_**You'll live** (tu vivrai)  
Pooh_

_If you're born already a winner,  
But you're easygoing...well, sorta,  
If you put your faith in people,  
But you don't believe in Santa,  
If you don't blame on the others  
All the wrong things that you do,  
Then you'll live (6x)_

_If you're strong and unforgiving,  
But you know when to say 'sorry',  
If you slow down when required  
And still win without a worry,  
If you finally get together  
Those who never understood,  
Then you'll live (6x)_

_If you can still enjoy  
To fall asleep real tired,  
If there's a kid in you  
And you don't have to hide it,  
If you don't take yourself  
Too seriously  
Maybe next time you'll live  
You'll live for real._

_If you wake up really early  
When you've only slept few hours,  
If you keep being almost honest  
And don't overuse your powers,  
If you can cry 'cause you're happy  
Without ever feel ashamed,  
Then you'll live (6x)_

_If you can still enjoy  
Each of the things you're learning,  
If you never despise  
What's not yours for the taking,  
Nobody's ever going  
To force your actions:  
You're the only one who knows  
Which is the best way._

_If you manage to keep losing  
And to stand up each time you're falling,  
If you get out of your heart  
Who was stealing all your loving,  
If you manage to give back  
All the love you're given, well,  
Then you'll live (6x)_

LINK FOR DOWNLOAD: <http://www.megaupload.com/it/?d=LFDS7CG3>

_**Dancing**  
Elisa_

_Time is gonna take my mind  
and carry it far away where I can fly  
The depth of life will dim my temptation to live for you  
If I were to be alone silence would rock my tears  
'cause it's all about love and I know better  
How life is a waving feather_

_So I put my arms around you  
And I know that I'll be leaving soon  
My eyes are on you they're on you  
And you see that I can't stop shaking_

_No, I won't step back  
but I'll look down to hide from your eyes  
'cause what I feel is so sweet  
and I'm scared that even my own breath  
could burst it as if it were a bubble  
And I'd better dream if I have to struggle_

_I'm dancing in the room  
As if I was in the woods with you  
No need for anything but music  
Music's the reason why I know time still exists_

_So I put my arms around you  
And I hope that I will do no wrong  
My eyes are on you they're on you  
And I hope that you won't hurt me_

LINK FOR DOWNLOAD: <http://www.megaupload.com/it/?d=ZVMAHI0V>

 

**Author's Note:**

> As you might have guessed reading the pairing line, the movie 'Bulletproof Monk' somehow got in my way. And I didn't complain, since I freakin' love the movie AND the pairing...if you haven't watched the movie, no worries. Just think I invented the characters XD Oh, one more thing: if the last conversation between Sam and Dean sounds familiar, is because I ripped it from Love Actually *iz professhunal thief*
> 
> MY THANKS GO TO: eryslash and blueeyedliz, for listening to my endless ramblings and for reading awful snippets of this again and again, and to benskywalker for trying. It means a lot to me, I love you all so much!


End file.
